The Holy Scroll of Jell
by Maliya Wong
Summary: AU. How the Bible really goes according to the philosophy of Jellism, the indirect founder of which is ironically its adversary 'believer in christ'.
1. Bereishit AKA Genesis

_The Holy Scroll of Jell_ is a collaboration between **various authors** here on www . fanfiction . net.

This work was inspired by a person who goes under the name **believer in christ**, and we wish to thank him for bringing humor into or lives! So, thank you, **believer in christ**!

DISCLAIMER: CHAPTER 1 "Bereishit" WAS WRITTEN BY **SonnyGoten**.

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The Holy Scroll of Jell**

CHAPTER 1: Bereishit 

(1) In the beginning there was Chaos and nonsensicalness.

(2) And Chaos was without form, and void; and it _was _upon the face of nothingness. And nonsensicalness moved upon this face, residing in the highest order underneath the great Ceiling of Dense Connective Tissue.

(3) And nonsensicalness said, "Let there be Order", and there was Order.

(4) And Order saw Chaos and it was _not _good: and Order divided itself from Chaos.

(5) And Order called this division the portal of 'Anen', and its own side behind this portal was called 'Jell'. And the nonsensicalness which had created Order was the first thought.

(6) And Order said, "Let there be constructs throughout thought and let it divide sense from nonsense."

(7) And Order made constructs, and divided thought which _were _now sense and nonsense: and it was so.

(8) And Order called the constructs words. And the idea of the creation of words was the second thought.

(9) And Order said, "Let words of sense be gathered together into one string, and let this string be understood": and it was so.

(10) And Order called the _string of words_ a sentence, and the degree of understanding of this sentence was called comprehending: and Order saw that _it was_ good.

(11) And Order said, "Let sentences mold into the greatest wisdoms called 'Thigs', forming charms, the spells, _and _the curses of its kind, whose powers _are_ in itself, and let them pass through the portal which I shall name 'Anem'": and it was so.

(12) And Thigs could form into charms, spells, _and _curses of its kind, whose powers _were _in itself, and they did pass through Anem: and Order saw that _it was_ good.

(13) And the idea of stringing words into sentences and molding them into the greatest wisdoms was the third thought.

(14) And Order said, "Let there be protectors of Jell whom shall maintain the division between sense and nonsense, and Myself and Chaos; and let them guard the Portals of Anen and Anem, of the sacred Thigs, and of all other wisdoms, and sense:

(15) and let them be the enemy of Chaos, and its minions and spies, ignorance and nonsense, and let them be guides to those souls who wish to enter Jell through Anen: and it was so.

(16) And Order made two protectors, one to fight the enemy, and one to guide the souls: seven defenders were also _made_.

(17) And Order set them at 'Anen' and 'Anem' to guard,

(18) and to fight the enemy and defend the portal, while guiding the souls back to Jell: and Order saw that _Jell was_ save.

(19) And the idea of protecting Order, wisdom and sense was the fourth thought.

(20) And the protectors said, "Let us be with names so that we may be recognized, and feared by our enemies."

(21) And the protectors named themselves the great slayer - 'Stan', the guider the souls - waifu-waifu 'Jesusu'-okusama the 9t, and the defenders - the 6t concubines and lord 'Hilter' the 'sevent' or 7t, and they were recognized and feared by their enemies: and they saw that _it was_ good.

(22) And Stan blessed his companions with the strongest of Thigs, which is known as SA-tanic, saying, "Be strong, and be wise, and collect pure souls and bring them back to Jell, and let our followers multiply."

(23) And the naming of the self was the fifth thought.

(24) And Jesusu said, "Let paths be build for souls to tread upon, and let these paths be tools to make the way to 'bum' to Jell a clear one."

(25) And the protectors built paths for the souls to thread upon, and souls _did_ thread upon these paths and they _did_ bum to Jell: and Jesusu saw that it was good.

(26) And lord Hilter said, "Let us make slaves of our followers, let us make them mindless slaves, and let them idolate us like gods and serve us until eternity, here in Jell, beyond the portal of Anen and Anem, and even beyond the face of nothingness, and the Ceiling of Dense Connective Tissue."

(27) So lord Hilter found one follower called BiC and turned him, into a mindless slave he turned him, foolish and ignorant he turned him, and BiC the slave was called a 'servent'.

(28) And the other protectors cursed lord Hilter, and they said unto him, "You, lord Hilter the sevent or 7t concubine, how dare you turn our work fruitless! How dare you subdue the wisdom and sense of our followers by turning them into mindless ones! Take your servent and leave Jell, you evil one! You are no longer one of us, you are now one of Chaos's minions!"

(29) And Stan said, "Behold, we are unable to protect Jell as we are continuously invaded by spies and minions Outside. If we are to protect all that is Order, wisdom and sense, then our Thigs must breach through the Ceiling of Dense Connective Tissue, and destroy the enemies wherever they may exist. And while we eliminate all that is Chaos, ignorance and nonsense, we must also spread further to others of the Outside the light that is of Jell.

(30) And to breach this wall, to go beyond the great Ceiling of Dense Connective Tissue, we need our mental sword. That which may cut through all mental obstacles and links, this tool must be used with utmost care: and it shall be used to 'sorship'."

(31) And the protectors banished lord Hilter, and they sorshipped and spread the Thigs to the Outside, and behold, _it was_ becoming better. And the idea of making tools such as the paths to bum to Jell and the sword to sorship with was the sixth thought.

**END CHAPTER 1**

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PLEASE CONVERT TO JELLISM, FOR THE SAKE OF ENRICHING YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND REACHING DIVINE ENLIGHTENMENT!


	2. Devarim AKA Deuteronomy

DISCLAIMER: "2.1 - SonGot" WAS WRITTEN BY **SonnyGoten**. "2.2 - ImaThi" WAS WRITTEN BY **ImagingThings**.

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The Holy Scroll of Jell**

CHAPTER 2: Devarim 

**_2.1_**_** - SonGot**_

Thigs of Return

Let the wisdom burn

Light up the path to Anen

Lead this soul back from the land of the barren

Return to Jell

And to ignorance you shall say farewell.

**_2.2 - ImaThi  
_**

See the world with open eyes

You can never be anyone but you

Live in the now, it is forever.

**END CHAPTER 2  
**

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PLEASE CONVERT TO JELLISM, FOR THE SAKE OF ENRICHING YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND REACHING DIVINE ENLIGHTENMENT!


	3. Tehillim AKA Psalms

PRAISE THE GREAT STAN!

DISCLAIMER: CHAPTER 3 "Tehillim" WAS WRITTEN BY **SonnyGoten**.

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**The Holy Scroll of Jell**

CHAPTER 3: Tehillim 

This poem has been taken down, revised and (will be) published as part of the epistolary verse novella **Letters to an Imaginary Friend** written under the pen name _SonnyGoten_.

My apologies.

**END CHAPTER 3  
**

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PLEASE CONVERT TO JELLISM, FOR THE SAKE OF ENRICHING YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND REACHING DIVINE ENLIGHTENMENT!


	4. The Book of Frum

DISCLAIMER: "The Book of Frum" WAS WRITTEN BY **BookObsesserNumberOne**.

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The Holy Scroll of Jell**

CHAPTER 4: The Book of Frum

(1) And the mindless slave BiC chose to make more like him.

(2) He created a land of ignorance, called Frum where innocent people would come and become mindless slaves.

(3) And this Frum could only be destroyed by a sword named Delete.

(4) So BiC hid Delete, and locked it somewhere in a place Outside.

(5) And he locked it with two keys, named E-mail and Password.

(6) And thus did Frum begin, and BiC waited for the people to come, setting many lures.

(7) Many Jellists came, attempting to rescue the innocent souls from the influence of BiC.

(8) But as soon as their mouths were opened, to speak truth and sorship, their words changed or vanished.

(9) For in Frum, BiC ruled entirely, like a tyrant, making ghost-selves of the Jellists.

(10) And these ghost-selves were mindless slaves, and spoke whatever BiC wished.

(11) And he was happy.

(12) The Jellists fled Frum, and attacked from afar.

(13) But Frum did withstand all attacks.

(14) Then a Hacker, the 8t, stole the keys E-mail and Password.

(15) Taking these keys, he traveled to the Outside, to the hidden place.

(16) And using these keys, he opened it, and retrieved the sword Delete.

(17) Using the sword Delete, he destroyed all of Frum, and the ghost-selves within.

(18) And then he gave E-mail and Password to the Jellists.

(19) Stripped of all protection, BiC crawled back to his master.

(20) And the Jellists rejoiced, chanting Thigs, then walked to the portal of Anen to greet their lord and master.

**END CHAPTER 4  
**

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PLEASE CONVERT TO JELLISM, FOR THE SAKE OF ENRICHING YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND REACHING DIVINE ENLIGHTENMENT!


	5. Mattithyahu AKA Matthew

DISCLAIMER: CHAPTER 5 "Mattithyahu" WAS WRITTEN BY **SonnyGoten**.

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The Holy Scroll of Jell**

CHAPTER 5: Mattithyahu

(1) And when Order had called unto eleven of his twelve disciples, he gave them power against unclean minds, to purify them, and to heal all manners of mental sickness and disease.

(2) Now, the titles of the twelve disciples are these; The first, Stan, who is called the great slayer, and Jesusu-okusama his waifu-waifu the 9t, or guider of souls;

(3) the Hacker, who was the 8t; and the 6t concubines, they were defenders, and _without_ names;

(4) and sense and wisdom, and lord Hilter the 7t, who also betrayed him.

(5) These eleven, without lord Hilter, Order sent forth, and commanded them, saying, Go not into the way of the Fools, and into any city of the 7t enter ye not:

(6) But go rather to the lost sheep of the Outside

(7) And as ye go, sorship, saying, The kingdom of Jell is at hand.

(8) Heal the sick, guide the straying, enlighten the confused, _cast out ignorance_: freely ye have learned, freely teach.

(9) Accept neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses,

(10) Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the teacher who teaches not with heart, but for earthly goods, is not worthy of Jell.

(11) And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, enquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence.

(12) And when ye come into an house, salute it.

(13) And if the house be worthy, let your wisdom come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your wisdom return to you.

(14) And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your Thigs, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.

(15) Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Frum in the day of enlightenment, than for that city.

(16) Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.

(17) But beware of mindless slaves: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their Houses of Ignorance;

(18) And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Fools.

(19) And when they deliver you up, take thought how or what ye shall speak: for no guidance shall be given you in that last hour when ye are honor bound to speak one last of Thigs.

(20) And know that it is not ye that sorship, but your wisdom which sorshipeth in you.

(21) Yet Chaos shall celebrate. And the fool shall deliver up the brother to death, and the mad the child: and the ignorant shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.

(22) And ye shall be hated of all fools, mad and ignorant - of all mindless slaves - for truth's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall receive the honor of enlightenment.

(23) But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Outside, till _I_ be come.

(24) The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord, and neither are they under them.

(25) It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house the evil one and a liar, how much more shall they call them of his household?

(26) Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.

(27) What I tell you in Jell, that speak ye in the Outside: and what ye hear in the ear, that sorship ye upon the housetops.

(28) And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill your thoughts: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both your thoughts and the body through anarchy.

(29) Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? one of them shall not fall on the ground without _Me_.

(30) The very hairs of your head are all numbered.

(31) Fear ye not therefore, ye _all_ are of value to me.

(32) Whosoever therefore shall confess wisdom before men, him will also be confessed before _Me_ in Jell.

(33) But whosoever shall deny wisdom before men, him will also be denied the enlightenment found in Jell.

(34) Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: _I came not to send peace, but a mental sword for sorshipping._

(35) For I am come to set sense at variance against nonsense, and wisdom against ignorance, and _Myself_ against Chaos.

(36) And a man's foes shall be they within his own mind.

(37) He that loveth melodious lies more than truth is not worthy of Jell: and he that loveth pleasant illusions more than truth is not worthy of Jell.

(38) And he that doth not learn, and seeketh not his own path, is not worthy of Jell.

(39) He that findeth his life in mundane pleasantries shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for knowledge's sake shall find it.

(40) He that receiveth you receiveth the path to Jell, and he that receiveth the path to Jell receiveth the road towards enlightenment.

(41) He that receiveth a Jellist in the name of a Jellist shall receive a Jellist's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous one in the name of a righteous one shall receive a righteous one's reward.

(42) And whosoever shall give shelter unto one of these little ones one moment only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward.

**END CHAPTER 5  
**

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PLEASE ACCEPT JELLISM, FOR THE SAKE OF ENRICHING YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND REACHING DIVINE ENLIGHTENMENT!


	6. Anti Apocalypse

DISCLAIMER: CHAPTER 6 "Anti-Apocalypse" WAS WRITTEN BY **SonnyGoten**.

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**The Holy Scroll of Jell**

CHAPTER 6: Anti-Apocalypse

And it was in those days that the final war against Chaos was battled.

The ten disciples of Order, without lord Hilter, and without the Great Stan, were all demoralized and in doubt, for their de facto leader Stan, had crossed over to the enemy.

And Stan, the great slayer, shouted at them, his words filled with the passion for his cause: "I had no choice but to leave you! All of you have been blinded!"

"You would rather side with lord Hilter, the sevent, who turns his minions into mindless slaves?" Jesusu-okusama, his most beloved waifu-waifu the 9t, cried back. Those eyes were filled with tears of betrayal and desperation.

But Stan shook his head vehemently. "No! I reckon that lord Hilter is evil and his minions are fools, but it was the sacrifice that both Chaos and I had to make, for there would be no other willing to grant us the power that we need to revolutionize this universe!"

"And why would you wish to revolutionize this perfect world!" the concubines yelled. "It is perfectly balanced as it is!"

"Balanced - _yes!_ - but **not** perfect! In this world, even a lioness cannot wean an oryx calf!" Stand balled his hands and waved them about in frustration. "I saw a lioness who cared for a little calf like a mother would her her child, but she could not feed it. Do you know what happened? Do you! They both suffered starvation! Is that fair? Answer me this! Why can _they_ not find happiness!"

"It is as it should be!," the concubines said defensively, "Those are the laws of reality!"

"Laws? Those so-called laws prevent us from finding our happiness! They do not deserve to be our laws!" Stan stopped and heaved a heavy sigh to calm himself, before he continued with a shaky voice, "You... have all been fooled. For there is no wisdom in following the rules created by Order. And you will not find enlightenment in his repressed world of laws and rules. We must destroy them."

"... what poison are you speaking?" Jesusu whispered in utter fear.

"Can you not see that Order turns you into obeying servants?" Stan told them. "Do you not see how you, too, are turning into mindless slaves?"

Jesusu and the concubines shook their heads in denial and disbelief. Hacker remained quiet as he watched the scene unfold from the sidelines. He would choose a side only when all cards were laid out into the open, and he was willing to use his tricky ways to force the holder of those cards to lay them out into the open for him.

"Follow rules. Constantly follow rules! He allows you not to think for yourself! Nor does he allow you the freedom of happiness. And is that not what enlightenment is all about? Is that not true wisdom?"

It was then that Hacker finally spoke up: "And you say that we can find happiness when the world is thrown into utter Chaos? That we can think for ourselves, when even our own minds are in Chaos?"

Stan shook his head. "No, you are right, we cannot," he said. "But if we destroy the foundations of _this_ world, destroy its laws and its rules... if we plunge the old world into chaos, then from the ashes we can create a new world. A world in which it _is _possible for everyone to find happiness and to think for themselves. A world where everyone can be enlightened!"

Hacker narrowed his eyes. "Are you not being highly idealistic?"

"It can be done!" Stan yelled, trying to persuade his former friends and comrades. He looked at his most beloved waifu-waifu desperately. "Please, believe me! If we can re-write the laws of the universe! If we can recreate the rules! Then _anything_ can be possible! The world could even be molded in our own image!"

And Jesusu's eyes met those of Stan, and they saw the pain of the world reflected in them, and in that moment he understood Stan's reasons. For it was that pain which was the same burden which Jesusu carried within his own heart. He, too, had witnessed the suffering, anguish and misery of the peoples in this balanced reality with all its rules and restrictions. He knew Stan's heart and knew Stan's pain, for he had known and loved the great slayer for so long.

But even so, even if Jesusu knew the reasons for Stan's actions, the question remained whether Stan was in the right for acting. Whether he should be allowed to transgress beyond the laws of Order. Yet even more importantly was the following: By what law should Stan be measured, when in this case the very laws themselves and the maker of them were being questioned?

The quest to enlightenment had thus been muddled by insecurities. Was Chaos truly evil? Was Order good? What was wrong and what was right? For what reasons had they been fighting, had they been defending? Jesusu didn't know. Not anymore.

Now more than ever, nothing was certain for the protectors of Jell.

_**Where would they go from here?

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**_PLEASE CONVERT TO JELLISM FOR THE SAKE OF REVOLUTIONIZING AND RECREATING THE UNIVERSE!


	7. Gospel of Benry AKA Been caught trolling

DISCLAIMER: IT IS MY TIME TO ADD CHAPTER 7 TO THIS GREAT PIECE OF LOVELY TRUTH. YEP, IT'S ME, **Benry **(FORMERLY KNOWN AS **TheBratMan**), WRITING AT THIS CURRENT MOMENT OF TIME IN _The Holy Scroll of Jell_! SO ENJOY: "Been caught trolling".

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**The Holy Scroll of Jell**

CHAPTER 7: Gospel of Benry

(-2) Inasmuch as people can tell about trolls, no one knows the true cycle the trolls go through to create such _LOLing _times …even if they even do plan things out.

(-1) But if trolls actually think, the thinking process would go something like this:

(0) Dear Stan and the waifu-waifu Jesusu, please have mercy on me for I am about to go a little off topic and go into the dark realms of _trolling_, or in other words, what was most likely going through the mind of our founder when he stumbled across the wonderful, grateful, and so awesome that it cannot be truly understood or comprehend: FanFiction(dot)net! That's right, I am talking about _Believer in Christ_.

(1) And so the crazy troll, bored out of his mind, decided to troll even more!

(2) In the shadows of his room he thinks to himself, brainstorms to himself, has discussions with himself, and even plays _Lego _with himself.

(3) And all the while, he is coming with an interesting and new way to _LOL _people, even if they didn't want to be _LOLed _in the first place.

(4) Not long after, he decides to create an ingenious idea, so clever that people would think with laughter: I get it, you're trying to be funny but fail epically, which makes it funny anyway - irony to be exact.

(5) Behold, the troll discovers a website, which many trolls have come across before, and he decides to leave his mark, like a cat does, on this lovely, peaceful website, which we all know as… I forgot.

(6) Well anyway, the troll posts on this website (whatever website you can think off, does have a troll) and waits, waits and waits.

(7) It takes some time for anyone to take any notice, and when they do, they usually tend to have a heart attack, or if they are a newbie, they run for their _BEEP_-ing lives.

(8) So the rumours are passed around the internet about this troll _"& how cul he is & stuf!"_ It is indeed hard to write like a troll.

(9) Like all the trolls that came before him, people flock to see why this troll is so funny, but when things cool down, or the troll has lost interest in the stuff he has _BEEP_-ed onto the world, people forget the troll… _forever_!

(10) But Believer in Christ -also known as BiC, the 'servent' of lord Hilter within the lore of Jell- is very different, for that we do not know if he is a troll or not.

(11) If he is a troll, then he is the best troll ever, for he has spawned the greatest fake religion ever, with trillions of people _sorshiping _it worldwide. Maybe not that much, but it would be pretty cool to have a religion _that big_!

(12) If he is for real, then Jell help us all!

(13) Finally, if Believer In Christ is a "true prophet" of the lord and, _blah, blah, blah_, whatever comes after that, such as not being a person not to be question and so on, then we are _forked_!

(14) I hoped you _LOLed _at that, I wish you a good 'die',_ now convert or else_! Anem.

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PLEASE CONVERT TO JELLISM FOR THE SAKE OF REVOLUTIONIZING AND RECREATING THE UNIVERSE... WITH TROLLS!


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